Emotions, Taking Me Over....................

Today I read a column in my local paper. Something popped out at me from the column, just stood there frozen, and really made me think. The column was written by a man that wrote a column for this paper for a number of years. He moved recently, and the paper lost that column. Our community lost an observer, a tale teller, a man who collected wisdoms. I used to read his column every week. Now he and I are "friends" on Facebook. Recently, he lost his Dad, and is now going thru some medical problems with his mother. He wrote about losing his Father, and not being able to grieve because of his cirumstances with his mother. It touched me. It froze me in time. It threw me backwards, to when my Dad passed away. I was pregnant with my last child; I was eight months pregnant to be exact. I didn't have time to grieve, I held it back. I had to prepare for the comming baby....I had little boys to care for, I had to go to work. There are times, eight years later, that I am triggered to tears by an event, a scent, a memory, a taste, a song......I still grieve for both my parents. I still ache that they are gone.
Recently, as recently as the past five days, I have been ill with a bug. SO ill that I don't ever remember being this way ever. The first few days, I found myself crying, hysterically, wanting my mother to take care of me, to make me chicken soup, to put a cool cloth on my forehead, to just sit with me. But, all the while, knowing, she wasn't able to, she isn't here. Which made me cry even harder.
I guess that is greif, it sneaks up on you, when you least expect it, when you need it not to, when you can't really handle it, when your kids are watching. I think that bothers me the most, that my kids see me in hysterics, that I am scared and vulnerable. I am supposed to help them, to protect them, to soothe them when they aren't well, and I can't even do that for myself. I guess my illness has made me feel open, raw, and too emotional for my own good! Too much time to think, too much time........
But that is that, I am getting well again, I am controling my emotions, in public, anyway. Just a tidbit form me to you, and a way to let you guys out there know that there are triggers waiting for you, to let you feel and heal.