Having Moments

For those of you who have been following my blog, you know what we have been through as a family. You know all about Scott's Myeloma, you know that it was a harrowing experience for me, as a wife, a partner, a mom and a nurturer.

Scott has been doing so well, his numbers keep comming down, his maintenence meds have been bringing the numbers down. He is on a maintence dose, not a theraputic dose, so that in itself is miraculous. I have no complaints with any of his past or present treatment. I am so happy that he was lucky enough to have the doctors that he has, and has had. It is a wonderful thing that has occured for him to have been treated by these men. The nurses and assistants have been terrific too. I am so grateful that they are/were in his life.

The title of this post is "Having Moments." I still have moments, I had moments, and I guess I will continue to have moments. I am glad that these moments come when no one is at home, when I am by myself. I will be doing something that is so ordinary, like cleaning the bathroom, and a whiff of a cleaning component will cross my nose, and whoooooosh! I am back in time. I am reliving feelings that I had when things were frightening. The fear of the disease washes over me, and the fear of losing him washes over me. Selfish as it seems, I am angry that I have to fear that. I want him to be around forever, I want to take care of him forever. I can't imagine my life without him. I can't imagine my children without him.
The pit of my stomach hurts, and then I cry. I always have in the back of my mind that his cancer isn't curable, but it is treatable. I guess that is really why I don't sleep well at night, that my fear comes back to the forefront at times. When the fear washes over meand there is someone home, I march my behind down to the basement, to the laundry room, where the hum of the machines drowns out noise. I don't wnat Scott or the kids to see me crying or to hear me cry. I don't want any of them to know that I am afraid. I can't allow that. I have to believe that my fears are a part of my imagination, and my small part of my own paranoia. There are times when I am almost paralyzed by the fear of the disease comming to the forefront again. I just don't know what to do to believe that forever will come through. Everytime we go to a check up appointment, the doctor thinks he is miraculous. The doctor tells us that he is showing no evidence of the disease based on his bloodwork. AN MRI will tell if the tumors are completely gone, and that is something I have to schedule for him for next week sometime. I am really amazed that we have come through this so far. I am so amazed that my husband is my hero. He is so strong both psychologically and physically, that he is "normal" again. I guess that is what scares me. He doesn't express his feelings so well, he is quiet and reserved. He would never tell me if he was frightened. He would never tell me if the fear rises in his throat, like it does in mine.

So that is what is going though my head on this rainy Wednesday. I am having moments. I just hope that the moments stay moments, that the fear is a little less as the years go on...........