Lately, my sense of humor seems to have deserted me. I don't know what happened, I don't know how it happened, it just did. I can't help but feel that a theif in the night came and burgularized it! I know that I didn't send it out with the dry cleaning, I know I didn't loose it with all of those thousands of socks in the laundry, but can't find it anywhere. I haven't found things funny in a while. Certain things tha used to make me laugh, just don't. Now, if you can find my sense of humor, let me know.
Cliff has tried, read his comment in my previous post, he made me chuckle and smile! Thanks Cliff!
Here is my challenge to all, leave me a note, a message, a joke or a riddle, make me laugh, please, make me laugh. The good, hard, belly laugh, the one that makes you think that you might wet yourself! I need a good laugh, really, I do, and maybe that will be the bait for my sense of humor to return home where it belongs.
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That happens to me from time to time. Here are a couple of jokes. . maybe not belly laugh material but not bad.
Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"
The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Ah, what the heck. Here is another one.
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"
Ralph
Two guys are dressing after working out at the club. One asks, "Uh Bob, how long you been wearing a girdle?"
Bob replied, "Ever since the day my wife found it under the seat of my car."
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So move over Miki, I'm going to move to New York.
Okay, darlin'. Here we go:
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they
had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.
So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery.
Having nothing to wipe with, one of them
thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky
enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded on home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said
"These darn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm
starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with
no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back
with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL -- PRICELESS
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
~~~~~~~~ THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..~~~~~~~~~~~
There are teachers, and then there are Educators
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Red Faced
A man standing in line at a grocery store check-out counter was
surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Oh, hello!" Her
face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you" look, as he couldn't recall ever having
met her before.
Seeing his blank look, she figured she had made a mistake and began to
apologize. "I'm sorry; when I first saw you, I thought you were the
father of one of my children. Excuse me for bothering you," and she
walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded. He thought to himself, "What the hell is the
world coming to? Here is a woman who can't keep track of who fathers her
children!"
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought, "but,
MAYBE..." During one of the wild parties he had been to while he was in
college, perhaps he had fathered her child!
He ran from the store and caught up with her in the parking lot. "Wait.
Are you the girl I met at that party in college where we got really
drunk, smoked a lot of pot and had wild sex on the pool table in front
of everyone?"
"No," she said, a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's
kindergarten teacher"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
13. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"
14. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A FSH.
14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).. A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
>
>
> A - Almost
>
> B - Better
>
> C - Cute
>
> D - Damn good
>
> E - Enormous
>
> F - Fake
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl asks her boyfreind to come over Friday night and have dinner with
her and her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him
that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacy to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everthing there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy 3-pack, 10-pack
or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offer's to say grace and
bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and
whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got a letter from Grandma the other day.
She writes: The other day I went to a local
Christian bookstore and I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus"
bumper sticker.
Well, I was feeling pretty sassy that day because I'd
just come from a thrilling choir performance followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting,
and so I bought and put it on my bumper.
Boy am I glad I did!! What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is
. . . and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
Well, it's a good thing that somebody else loved
Jesus because if he hadn't honked I'd never have noticed!
In that short moment I found out that lots of people
love Jesus.
While I was sitting there the fellow in the car
behind stated honking like crazy and then he leaned out
of his window and screamed,
"For the love of God lady, Go! Go! Go!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord!
Then all the others started honking!
So I just leaned out my window and started waving and
smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must've been a man from Florida back there
somewhere because I'm sure I heard him saying something
about a "sunny beach".
I saw another fellow waving in a funny way, with only
his middle finger stuck up in the air, I asked my
teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, and he said it was probably a Hawaiian good
luck sign or something.
Well, I'd never met someone from Hawaii, so I leaned
out my car window and gave him the good luck sign back.
This made my grandson so happy he just laughed out
loud! It was so good to see him sharing in this
religious experience too.
A couple other people became so caught up in the joy
of the moment they'd jumped out of their cars and
were making their way toward mine. I imagine
they wanted to pray with me or ask what church I
attended, but it was just then when I realized the light had
changed, so I grinned out the window and waved to all
my brothers and sisters and proceeded on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that made it
through the intersection before the light changed again.
I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we'd shared, so I slowed the car down,
leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A women gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery !"
The husband says, "Oh my god! What should I pack,
beach stuff or winter stuff"?
She yells back, " It doesn't matter..... just get the hell out!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Super Bowl
A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the
seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to
the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beer Slogans, Yet . . . >>
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself
a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life,
so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Beer is good food.
...you don't like jail?
.....naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
--Charles Bukowski
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore
Beer: Nature's laxative.
Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!
One more drink and I'd be under the host.
--Dorothy Parker
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking
Barry Manilow.
--Dave Barry
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.
I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with
slightly over half that quantity of beer.
--Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find
that workouts cut into my drinking time.
--A Wolverine is Eating My Leg
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.
If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...
Draft beer, not people!
Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig
wouldn't eat.
--David Geary
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
--Edward Abbey
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just
like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Put it back in the horse!
--H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he
drank his first American beer at a bar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hope one of these made you giggle a little.
~Peruby
sorry I am late ,,, damn your funny!!!!!! funny??? what wrold you live in or what pillow you dreaming on.....
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