I needed to post today, because I realized that I haven't in quite a while.
Today is the 13th of January, a friday. Notice that I didn't say Friday the 13th? I don't believe in superstitious nonsense, and I thank my fellow bloggers for tunning me into this one.
Anyway, today would have been my father's 78th birthday. It is a day that I reflect upon what he meant to me and how much he has missed since he has been gone. I am not overtly sad today, but I feel much more internal than I usually do. I have been quiet today, that is what I mean.
Today was a good day of sorts. Scott had the final IV infusement in his final cycle of chemo. Feb. 21st is the date set for harvesting his stem cells. So, now, barring anything else, he will go to transplant soon afterwards. This is the big kahuna of treatments. This is the one that he has to stay in the hospital for an extended time, up to 21 days, depending upon his reactions and upon his recovery of immunity. Hopefully he will be as responsive as he has been to the rest of the treatment.
I have been a little blue lately, and I guess I deserve it. I have been weepy, fearful and angry. I have had a bad case of the "WHYs?" Sometimes my fears get the better of me, and I cry. I haven't let Scott see this though, it isn't fair to him. Don't want to make him feel bad. The whole experience of his having Multiple Myeloma has been daunting. I suppose it has taken its toll on my psyche. There are times where I feel so frightened that I feel I might not be able to breathe my next breath. But, somehow, I get through it. I have and will continue to do so. I write here about my darkest fears, my hurts and I complain about them and everything. I appologize for all of this, but this is my way of allaying the fears, of getting it all out without frightening my husband, without letting him knwo that yes, even the strong one is feeling weak.
I guess that is all of the thinking that I am doing on this foggy warm afternoon, and will write more when I have food for thought.
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7 comments:
No words. Just my hand coming through the blogosphere giving you a warm and friendly pat. I am here. I hear you. Let it out. Let it all out.
PRAYERS and Know that even if I dont' stop by as often as I should, I AM thinking about you!
It's okay to let your fears out here. We are good listeners out in blogland. I'm sure I speak for everyone.
I know it has to be rough. I just pray that everything will turn out okay. Hang in there.
The "Whys" are a part of most difficult journeys. Of course, we don't always find the answers, but it's comforting to know there is one even though we can't see it!
Thank you, you guys, it helps to know someone is listening!
Things are a little better here, the sun came out and I am not as weepy! I do truly believe that weather affects our moods, sunshine does mine. Thanks again!
Thanks for visiting my blog (about a week ago).
I really am hoping that Scott pulls through. I think it is good not to supress your emotions, especially since I am the ultimate emotion supressor and it always feels good to get them out.
Having gone through a similar battle with my sister, I know that it is difficult and I really pray for you. I will come back to visit.
Sweet One,
Please continue to let your feelings out here or anywhere safe. That is healthy and necessary for you, which ping pongs back to Scott as a positive force.
Do you subscribe to a listserve that has support groups within in for the caregiver? There are email ones that have phone contact as well. (A human voice can do so much for healing.) If you need info, let me know. My email address is in my profile.
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